We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1." ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Guys rules
129 SMSes to make you smile
- Ek yug tha jab log apne ghar ke dwar pe likhte the: ATITHI DEVO BHAVA
Phir likha: SHUBH LABH
Phir likhne lage: U R WELCOME
Aur ab likhte hain: KUTTON SE SAVDHAN - Ravan was sent to court & was asked to keep a hand on Geeta.
He refused saying: Sita par hath rakh kar itni musibat aayi! Ab Geeta pe haath nahin rakhunga - Kuri waley Munde nu: Tusi nonveg khandey ho?
Munda: HaanSharaab?HaanDrugs?HaanJua?HaanSab kuch negative hai, kuch positive ve hai?
Munda: Haanji, HIV+ - Khuda kare tujhe khushiyan hazaar mile, mujhse bhi achche yaar mile, meri galfriend tujhe raakhi baandhe aur tujhe ek aur behan ka pyar mile
- Ganguly’s Son: Yeh Kya, Daddy Sixer pe Sixer maare jaa rahe hain Hain?
Ganguly’s Wife: Arey beta, yeh toh ADVERTISEMENT Hai ! - U luv sumone... u marry sumone else. The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband & the one u loved becomes the password of your emai id...!
- Baniye ki wife bimaar thi, light na hone ki wajah se usne candle jala di aur bola: Doc ko lene jaa raha hun, agar tumhe lage ki tum nahin bachogi to plz candle bujha dena
- A boy goes to see a cabare dance. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see?
Boy: Yes, I saw dad. - In French: Bon jour
In Spanish: Te QuiroIn
Italian: Teamo
In Yugoslav: Volim Te
In English: Good Morning
In Punjabi: Uth Moya Kam te nahi jana? - Baba ji ka mela laga hai haridwar mein. Prashad mein Recharge Coupon diye jayenge. Kisi aur ko mat batana. Ye SMS sirf chuninda bhikhariyon ko bheje ja raha hai
- Bahu: Maan ji, yeh abhi tak nahin aaye, kahin kisi dusri ladki ke saath...
Saas: Arey kalmuhi, tu hamesha ulta kyun sochti hai? Aisa bhi to ho sakta hai ki kisi truck ke neeche aa gaya ho - It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write one exam. Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees. SAY NO TO EXAMS
- Teri awaz sunne ko jab taras jata hoon, to ghisa pita cd player chala leta hoon. Teri surat ko jab taras jaata hoon, to cartoon network laga leta hoon. Waqt hona chaiye kisi ko yaad karne ke liye, bahane to apne aap hi mil jate hain
- Red Rose: Luv
Yelloe Rose: Friendship
White Rose: Peace
Which Rose for u?
Nima Rose.
Tan ki Durgandh Dur Kare, De Taazgi - Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai, aaj nahin aaya, kaha na kabhi kabhi aata hai
- Thought for the future generation: Don't marry & make a woman happy. In fact remain a bachelor & make several women happy.
- Ek ladka ek ladki k saath baitha tha. 2nd day doosri ladki k saath deha gaya. 3rd day koi aur ladki thi. 4th day kisi nayi ladki ke saath tha
Moral: Ladkiyan badal jaati hain, ladke nahin badaltey - Santa: Tommy ne meri saari kitaab kha layi
Mother: Ohnu mere kole leke aa mein usnu saja dewan
Santa: Saja ta mein de diti, usdi kauli wala dudh mein pee gaya - Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?
The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more - A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three year old, "If you pretend you're asleep, he stops."
- Girl's excuses: Phone mat kiya karo dear, mom hoti hai near, papa se lagta hai fear, baat nahin hoti hai clear. Isliye SMS kiya karo dear without fear n very clear
- What's the definition of a skeleton?A striptease that went just too far...
- Naukrani: Malkin aap udaas kyon hain?
Malkin: Tumhare sahab apne office ki kisi ladki se pyaar karte hai.
Naukrani: Nahin, sahab mujhe dhokha nahin de sakte - Train mein TT Sadhu se bola: Kahan jana hai?
Sadhu: Jahan Ram ka janam hua tha.
TT: Ticket hai?
Sadhu: Nahin
TT: Chalo
Sadhu: Kahan?
TT: Jahan Krishan ka janam hua tha.. Jail mein - Girl: If u'll try to kiss me, main shor macha doongi.
Boy: Lekin yahan to dur-dur tak koi nahin hai.
Girl: I know but formality to karni hi padegi… - In a class, teacher asked: If I buy an item@ 12.75 n sell @ 15.24, it's loss or profit?
Pappu: Profit in rupees & loss in paise - Once in a jungle all the animals were eating PAN PARAG PAN MASALABut girraffe was not eating. Why?
Because Oonche log oonchi pasand MANIKCHAND - 1980 girls: Maan mei Jeans pehanungi
Maan : Nahin beti log kya kahengey?
2006 girls: Maan mein mini skirt pehanungi
Maan: Pehen le beti kuch to pehan le! - Nasha aankho me hota hai Sharaab mein nahin, Sharddha Dil me hoti hai Mandir mein nahin..... Dosti SMS karne se badhti hai, SMS padhne se nahi....
- Exams ke 4 din pehle syllabus dekha to yaad aaya,Kuch To Hua Hai Kuch Ho Gaya Hai,
Exams ke din paper dekh kar yaad aaya, Sab Kuch Alag Hai Sab Kuch Naya Hai - Lamha Lamha Waqt Guzar Jayega,Chand Lamhon Men Exam Sar Pe Ajayega,Abhi Bhi Waqt Hai Do Line Padh Lo,Warna Paas Kia Munna Bhai Karwae Ga!
- Mohabbat 1 bar ho jaye us ko bholapan kehtay hain, 2 bar ho jaye us ko dewaanapan kehtay hain, 3 bar hoo jaye us ko pagalpan kehtay hain, agar phir bhi na rukhay to use kameenapan kehtay hai
- Khuda bachaye hamein in haseenon se, naazneenon se, dilnasheenon se, jaaasheenon se... par inhe kaun bachaye hum kameenon se...
- Jab apka SMS ata hai mera rom-rom machal jata hai, sara badan kaamp jata hai, dil main gudgudi si hoti hai. Stupid, yeh apka kasoor nahi, mera phone Vibrator per hota hai
- Judge: U r crossing the limits.
Lawyer: Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai?
Judge: How dare you call me saala?
Lawyer: My Lod, I said kaun 'Sa Law' kehta hai? - Bhikhari: Saab 1 rupaya de do.
Saheb: Kal aana.
Bhikhari: Saala is kal kal ke chakkar mein is colony mein mere lakhon rupaye fase huye hain - Bhagwan apki umar lambi karey! Bhagwan apko Naukri de! Bhagwan apko Khush rakhe! Bhagwan apko Barkat de! Yaad ho gaya? Chal phir Katora utha aur shooru ho ja
- Jodhpur jail ordered the purchase order of 999 shirts n 1000 pants for inmates.
Guess y this odd combination?
Salman Khan is coming - May our friendship turn into silver, silver into gold, gold into diamonds... and may our diamonds be forever... Then we'll sell it OK? Fifty-Fifty
- Devdas's matrimonial ad- Wanted wife. Age no bar! Height No bar! Luks no bar! Caste No Bar!But gal's father shoul have his own Bar
- Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.
- Mallika went to a swimming pool in a BRA & PANTY.
Guard: Madam here 2 piece costume is not allowed!
Mallika: Kaun sa utaroon? - Always start your day with a lot of S E X
S-mile
E-nergy
X-citement
so make SEX a daily habit, & u'll always be SMILING! - Gal: Do u have any sentimental love cards?
Shopkeeper: How about this card, it says 'To the only boy I ever loved'
Gal: Great! I want 10 of them - Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho... Kuch nahi yaar bas aapki shakal yaad aa gayi!
- What's the difference between wife n neighbours wife?
Wife is a chocolate, can have any time. Neighbour's wife is like an ice-cream, shud hv immediately. - How do u know when kids start to grow up?
Gals grow up when they start to put lipstick n boys grow up when they start to wipe it off! - A baby fish asked her mother: Y can't we live on earth?
Mother Fish: Earth is not the place for FISH, it's made for SELFISH. - In chemistry class teacher asked a gal: what r Nitrates
Gal answered shyly: night rates, they r costlier than day. - When I go wrong, I need ur hand 2 correct, wen emotions bust out, I need ur hand 2 catch, wen I win, I need ur hand 2 pat.
n short:Ye Haath Mujhe De De Thakur - The Madrasi said: I want to see the movie 'Heart is umbrella'.
Which movie did he really want to see?
Dil Chhata Hai....... - I saw u on road today. U were lukin so fine, ur face so divine, ur walk so perfect. My heart started singing a sweet song: Who Let The Dog Out!
- When words fail... eyes work,when eyes fail... heart works,and when heart fails... to kya?,samajh le TAPAK gaya 'MAAMU'
- Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence.
Student: WOW ! - Q: Which boy has the permission to get into a girls' bathroom and touch her anywhere he likes?
A: Lifebuoy (soap) - When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you, the world seems to be fading away, come along with me I'll take u to an eye specialist!
- Unlike others your brain is a masterpiece. In the left half, nothing is right and in the right half, nothing is left..
- Q: What's the difference between gud & bad gals?
A: Gud gals loosen a few buttons when its hot, bad gals make it hot by loosening a few buttons! - Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother.Yes, but be aware, pay attention during the applause.
- A Guy picks up a girl for the date. Why are u wearing ur belt around ur knee.?
Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt. - When you get this SMS, send it to 1 person u love, 1 u hate, 1 u always think of and 1 u wish to kill.
Now, keep guessing why I sent it to u. - Jab tum hanstey ho to lagta hai ki insaan pehle bandar tha!
Dekho gussa mat karo kyonki jab tum gussa karte ho to lagta hai ki insaan aaj bhi bandar hai. - Consequences of American life style: The wife rushed into house screaming 2 her husband, Darling, Come quick! Ur kids n my kids r beating our kids.
- A young man asks a kind priest: Father is it a sin to sleep with a girl?
Father: No my child but the problem is that u guys never sleep. - WhY does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the film GUIDE?
Coz Dev Anand says: O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame chalna, badle duniya SARI, tum na badalna. - Like energy, love can neither be created nor destroyed. It can just be transferred from one girlfriend to another girlfriend.
- The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass & flowers too. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?
- What's the difference between pleasure and torture? Pleasure is thinking of you & torture is thinking of you too much.
- Santa: Tainu tairna aanda hai?
Banta: No
Santa: Tere naalon ta kutte changey ne jehre tair lende ne
Banta: Tenu tairna aanda hai?
Santa: Aaho
Banta: Pher tere te kutte ch ki farak hai? - I can kiss u without even touching u.
Gal: U can't
Santa: Lagi 10-10 ki
Gal: Ok
Santa kisses her lips
Gal: Touch kar liya, touch kar liya
Santa: Ye le 10 Rs - Santa: Oye, ladki dekh, kitni sohni hai.
Banta: Mujhe to uska naam bhi pata hai.
Santa: Kya naam hai.
Banta: Mein bank gaya tha, vahan yeh ek counter pe baithi thi, name plate pe likha tha: Chaalu Khata - Pappu: Bapu idhar aa...
Jeeto: Aise nahin bolte beta, daddy ko izzat se bulate hai.
Pappu: Bapu, izzat ke sath idhar aaja. - Lady Secretary: Sir, it's ur wife's call. She wants to kiss on u the phone.
Santa: Take msg and give me later. - Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto,
Banta asks: Y r u removin a wheel from ur auto?
Santa: Can't u read 'Parking for two wheelers only' - Veeru: Basanti in kutton ke aage mat naachna.Santa sitting with his dog in d theater. Saali naachegi kaise nahi, kutte ka bhi ticket liya hai
- Santa: Doctor, ye phulon ki mala kis k liye?
Doctor: Ye mera pehla operation hai, success hua to mere liye, nahi to tumhare liye. - Santa: Raat film vich ik chudail kade mere aggey, kade mere pichchey...
Jeeto: Kehri film si ?
Santa: Apne vyah di movie si ! - Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from NASA to SATYANASA
- Santa apni gal friend ko I Luv kehta hai aur gir jata hai.
Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: I'm falling in love. - Banta: Yeh chaaku kyon ubaal rahe ho?
Santa: Suicide karne ke liye
Banta: To phir ubalne kui kya zaroorat hai?
Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye - In a train compartment husband: Darling, mujhe to tumhari aatma se pyar hai, tumhare jism ki mujhe koi chah nahin. Main tumhari rooh ko chahta hoon, tumhara shareer tio mein kutton ko daal doon.Banta sitting on upper berth says: BOW BOW
- Santa & Banta were going with their friend on one scooter & a traffic cop tried to stop them.
Santa said: Sorry bhaji, already 3 baithe hain bilkul bhi jagah nahin hai - Banta: Y do u take ur wife only to night clubs?
Santa: By the time she gets ready no other place is open - Museum Administrator: That's a 500 year old statue u've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one - Lady Doc: Tum roz subah clinic ke bahar khade kar auraton ko kyon ghoorte ho?
Santa: Ji aap hi ne bahar likha hai: Auraton ko dekhne ka samay 9am-11am - A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelen.
Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoe pehen ke aata hun. - At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh!
Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying? - In an interview,
Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr.....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup... - Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated... drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!
- Santa apni khoobsurat Bibi k saath car mein baitha. Driver ne sheesha set kiya. Santa gusse mein bola, meri bibi ko dekhkta hai, piche baith, car mein chalaoonga!
- Banta: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio! - Banta: U looked troubled, what’s ur prob?
Santa: I’m going to b a father
Banta: But, that's wonderful
Santa: What's wonderful! My wife doesn't know about it yet . - Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child - Napoleon: There is no such word as 'Impossible' in my dictionary.
Santa: Taan dictionary vekh ke kharidni si ...! - Santa breaks an egg to make an omelet. He finds the egg empty. Gets frustrated & says: Aaj kal murguian bhi abortion karati hai
- Santa: If I die will u remarry?
Jeeto: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Santa: No, I'll also stay with ur sister - Lady: Time kitna hua hai?
Banta: Bra Panties.Lady: Time poocha hai Nonsense.
Banta: Time hi to bataya hai 12.35 - Santa suffering from cold was shivering. His son called a doc.
Doc: wht happened?
Son: Bimari da ta pata nahun par baapu saver da VIBRATION mode te lagaya hai - A man to Santa: Ur friend is kissing ur wife in ur home.Santa rushes home and came back within half an hour n slapped the man n said: He's not my friend
- Santa goes to buy a underwear. On choosing one he asks: How much for this?
Shopkeeper: Rs 500
Santa: Arey bhai daily waer dikhaao, Party wear nahin chahiye. - Banta: Oye, tu to Doctor ke paas jaane waala tha, kya hua?
Santa: Yaar kal jaaonga, aaj thodi tabiyat kharab hai. - Santa sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Couple of seconds later he received a report on his phone and he started to dance.
The report said: 'Delivered' - Gurdas Maan: Santa ji, aapke bhai ki shaadi mein kitne gaane gaane hain, us hisab se rate lagega?
Santa: 2-3 gaa kar prg shuru kar dena, baad mein sharabi baraat ne generator ki awaaz par hi naachte rehna hai - Santa was standing in sun on a hot sunny day.
Banta asked: What are you doing?
Santa: Drying sweat - Santa was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered: Waiting for autumn
- Pappu was writing his father's name on a 1000 Watt bulb.
Santa asked him: What are you doing?
Pappu: Aapka naam roshan kar raha hoon. - Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.
Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai - Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl. - Pappu while filling up a form: What should I write against mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long.....! - Banta ped pe chada to upar baithey Bandar ne poocha: Upar kyon aaya?
Banta: Apple khane.Bandar: Yeh to aam ka ped hai.
Banta: Pata hai, Apple saath laya hoon. - Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."
- Teacher: Pappu, TAMSO MA JYOTIR GAMYA" shloka ka kya arth hai?
Pappu: Tum so jayo maa, mein Jyoti ke pass ja raha hoon. - Santa went out to buy an Indian flag. The shop owner gave him the flag. Guess what did he ask next...Ismein aur colour dikhayiye.
- Santa: Why Americans stop printing stamps with photo of Pamela Anderson?
Banta: Coz people started licking the wrong side of it for pasting them on the envelopes. - Banta ek sadhu se bola: Baba, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upay batao.
Sadhu: Beta, upaay hota to main sadhu kyun banta? - Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.
Santa: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.? - Dress code 4 a party - BLACK TIES ONLY.Banta goes for the party & is surprised to see that the other guests are wearing SUITS also!
- Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money. - Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Banta: Me too, after u leave. - Q: Why Santa is standing below the Tube light with an open mouth.
A: Because Doctor has advised him: 'Aaj Light Khana hai!' - Santa: I’m a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What’s he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him! - Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam. - What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi - Q: Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window?
A: He wanted to see butterfly! - Once Professor Santa asked a plumber to come to his college. You know why?Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking.
- Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out. - Petrol ke rate badhne par Santa bola: "Menu koi farak nahin penda. Pehle bhi 100 ka bharwata tha ab bhi 100 ka bharwata hoon."
- Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever- What comes first - the chicken or the egg?O yaar, jiska order pehle doge, vo ayega!
- Santa walks into a library & says, "Can I have a burger and coke?"
Librarian, "I'm sorry, this is a library."
Santa whispers, "Can I have a burger & fries?"
Labels: sms funny
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