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Which grade you should be in?

Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.

"Johnny, what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.

The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.

"What is three times three?"
"Nine, Sir."

"How much is nine times six?"
"Fifty-four."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"


Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"


"Pockets!"
"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"


"Pants."
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"



"Coconut. !"
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge.



"Bubblegum!"
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does! sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"




"Shake hands, Ma'am."
"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK? First one. You stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do."



Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.



But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."


"Nose."
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver."






"Arrow."
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"





"Fire truck, Ma'am!"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university!!!!, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Shit Happens

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

• Ghost Shit
  You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
  
• Teflon Coated Shit
  Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
  
• Gooey Shit
  This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
  
• Second Thought Shit
  You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
  
• Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
  This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
  
• Bali Belly Shit
  You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.
  
• Right Now Shit
  You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
  
• King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
  This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.
  
• Wet Cheeks Shit
  This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.
  
• Wish Shit
  You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!
  
• Cement Block or Oh God Shit
  You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.
  
• Snake Shit
  This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
  
• Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
  Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.
  
• Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
  You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.
  
• Beer Drunk Shit
  This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
  
• The Frightened Turtle
  The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
  
• The Bungee Shit
  The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
  
• The Ring of Fire Shit
  The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
  
• The Crippler
  The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
  
• The Big Bobber
  The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
  
• The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
  The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
  
• The Jack the Ripper Shit
  The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
  
• The Party Pooper
  The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
  
• Dirty Bowl Shit
  The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl
  
• The Windy City Shit
  When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.
  
• Oh Shit! Shit
  You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!
  
• The Never Ending Shit
  It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
  
• Ouch That Hurt Shit
  The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.